Making Wine

My partner Jen and I are avid wine drinkers. This is not to be confused with being wine snobs, connoisseurs or sommeliers, I just mean we drink a lot of wine.

And because we deem ourselves as highly-efficient people, we figure it’s time to take out the middle man and start making our own wine.

We watch those TV shows about moonshiners and not to judge a book by their coveralls, but if those guys can make moonshine (and have their own TV show), then certainly, two checklist-oriented Air Force pilots can ferment some grapes.

We do our research, we buy a high-quality kit, we follow the checklist diligently and we bottle our first batch of wine. We wait the checklist-dictated amount of time for proper fermentation, then invite our closest friends over for a release party for our inaugural batch. This is a catered affair and everyone is dressed up. The energy is electric, but the lighting is by candle (ironic, right?). 

We satisfyingly uncork a few bottles, pour a healthy taste into everyone’s glass. We make a somber toast to our future as winemakers and everyone simultaneously takes a hearty swig of our product.

Also simultaneous and unanimous is the decision that this is absolutely the. worst. wine. anyone has ever tasted.

Not to be deterred, Jen and I set out on batch two. Because, still, we feel like being checklist-oriented pilots is proof that we can mash a bearded, corncob pipe smoking, bib overall wearing, illicit-moonshine-making dude (puns intended).

We do further research, buy a higher-quality kit, follow that checklist even more diligently and bottle our second batch of wine. We give this batch a little more time to ferment, for good measure.

For the uncorking, we invite just a couple friends, serve no food, candles are out but not lit, we pour just a splash into each glass, make a half-assed toast and everyone takes a cautious approach to sampling batch two.

Once again, the opinions are simultaneous and unanimous. And this time, the verdict is that this batch … is worst than the first.

Now, I’m not saying that Jen and I are quitters, but that was our second and final attempt at making wine, because during the process, we learned some things.  

Number one, we didn't enjoy the process.

Number two, we weren’t good at the process.

Number three, there are plenty of other people who enjoy and are good at the process.

The most important thing we produced from those grapes was awareness.

Awareness that our wine-making skills are limited to tasting, appreciating and encouraging those who actually possess good wine-making skills.

So as you sow a harvest of success, Jen and I will hoist a glass of wine (made by someone else) that your bounty will be plentiful and will play to your individual strengths.